Some more shreddable stories from the past year. Tiger Woods, Susanna Maiolo and the White House Party Crashers definitely make my list as well, but I’ve mentioned them all quite recently. Is it just a short memory or does all the dumb stuff really do happen in the later half of the year?
I’M EXPLOSIVE… IN MY PANTS
Although it also sides on scary, the mental imagery of alleged terrorist Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab’s failed attempt to detonate explosives he had sewn inside his underwear can be quite amusing, depending on your mental state. Mine is depraved enough to have come up with what he might have reported back to his superiors:
FAROUK: So I detonated the device right in the middle of all the infidels.
FAROUK: It set my crotch on fire.
BOSS: Yeesh… The 72 virgins will not like that, my friend.
FAROUK: It’s ok. A kind infidel jumped the seats and stomped out the fire with his boot.
Sadly, we’re seeing the same spiel from the government on this we always do: we knew about the guy, we knew he was a danger, but heck if we know how he actually got on a flight to Detroit. Republicans will find a way to blame Obama, Democrats will find a way to blame Bush and terrorists will keep slipping by security checkpoints in C4 tighty-whities.
SARAH PALIN SARAH PALIN SARAH PALIN
Usually, once you lose an election you sort of slink back and take yourself out of the limelight for a while. Not so for Palin. She quit her job managing moose in Alaska, released a book and… well, that’s really about it.
So why does the media pay attention to her so much, mostly to the tune of “we should all stop paying attention to this woman”? Why did David Letterman make a joke about her 14-year-old daughter getting “knocked up by A-Rod” which, unfortunately for him, was only the second-skeeziest thing he admitted to this year.
If the media really wants people to dismiss Palin as a dead horse, they should really stop beating her like one. It almost seems more people are liking her just based on sympathy toward how she’s treated.
BLAME IT ON RIO
Did you we’re going to have the 2016 Olympics in Chicago? Of course it’s going to happen! Not only do we have the President and First Lady over in Europe rubbing elbows with the deciders, they even managed to get Oprah Winfrey, in her infinite beauty and grace, to help as well! And come on, Chicago’s a perfect fit! It’s known for… pizza… and mobsters… oh! And the Bulls! They were good once! So let’s all go downtown and cheer on our city as they make the–wait, we’re already eliminated?
Sorry, Illinois. But don’t worry; you’re still getting Guantanamo Bay detainees.