I really have to give it to the Pope. He’s a man with a mission (well, likely several hundred missions around various world locales) and doesn’t let anything get him down–including bat-crazy red-sweatered female linebackers.

As you may know by now, Pope Benedict XVI was pulled down by 25-year-old Susanna Maiolo shortly before he celebrated Christmas Eve Mass at St. Peter’s Basilica. Maiolo reportedly said to Vatican Police that she wanted to give the Pope a hug, yet at the speed she jumped a barrier and rushed the elderly man, you have to wonder if they wheel her in Hannibal Lector style to family reunions.


GRANDMA: No! She’s breaking her restraints!

DAD: Get those shock batons on her!


GRANDMA: Aiiieee!

DAD: Shoot her! SHOOT HERRR!!

The Pope shook it off and gave his address looking no worse for wear. However, the most interesting fact about this whole ordeal–or the scariest, if you’re the Pope–is that the very same woman, wearing the very same-colored sweater, tried to rush him at the exact same place on Christmas Eve last year but had been taken down by security before reaching Pope Zero.

It’s rightfully brought up the issue of security around the religious leader. A senior Vatican official has been reported as saying everyone in the basilica would have needed invitations and to have given their names, and you can’t tell me Maiolo’s name doesn’t appear on some papal “Do Not Accept Hugs from These People” list.

GUARD: Name?

SUSANNA: Susanna Maiolo.

GUARD: Aren’t you that chick who tried to jump the Pope last year?

SUSANNA: You can’t prove I was going for him; I never touched him!

GUARD: Yeah, but c’mon–

SUSANNA: Let he who has not wished to glomp His Holiness cast the first stone!

GUARD: …OK, go ahead.

So if security isn’t going to keep out the rushers, what, as the Pope, are you allowed to do? When you see that flash of red coming at you and think, “Oh no, not this broad again, God bless her heart,” can you defend yourself? There’s nothing in the Bible that says, “Love one another, but do not be afraid to smite wackos with your staff should they attempt to get all up on you.” Would a judo throw be acceptable, or are you simply limited to turning the other cheek, the bob and weave, or juking?

They only have 362 days to figure this out, and she’s getting smarter…