The Absolute Best Job in the World This Week

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AP Photo

Oooh... Ahhh...

If there is anyone who can not possibly have a cooler job as the Fourth of July nears, it is our brave officers and explosives experts who produce all those bits for the local news on how utterly dangerous fireworks can be in the hands of haphazard, ignorant rubes (i.e. us).

Many a mannequin and watermelon is sacrificed in this yearly ritual, but all vaporize honorably for public service… and entertainment. To say anyone whose duty is to blow things up to show people not to blow things up is not having fun is blasphemy against the very laws of the universe. The police are not only trained in explosives; they are trained in hiding their juvenile glee behind their mustaches as tiny crumbs of Molly the CPR Doll fly into the next county (which is all right since they likely stole the next county’s Molly for the demonstration in the first place). Blowing stuff up when you have the right conditions and opportunity is inherently and inescapably fun. It is the unwritten myth proven by the Mythbusters in nearly every episode they’ve ever made.

You know the only thing that makes this job not fun for the authorities. When after they spend a good day vaporizing produce and test dummies they still have to spend the next day responding to accidents where people blow off their hands and kill themselves with fireworks anyway. In fact, that kills everyone’s buzz. Seriously. So after you have your giggles with the safety videos, just take that extra few seconds, spark that bit of imagination that hasn’t yet been killed by quitting books and just superimpose your head over that mannequin’s. Yeah. When it comes to fireworks, you’re a schmuck. I’m a schmuck. Your Dos Equis-drinking uncle is a schmuck. DON’T LIGHT YOUR OWN FIREWORKS.

Maybe–just maybe–if we’re all good this year, the cops will be in a good enough mood to continue warning us about other things, like the hazards of walking under monster trucks, running in front of out-of-control flamethrowers or falling out of planes while strapped with live grenades.

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The Year in Shreddable News, Part 2

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Some more shreddable stories from the past year. Tiger Woods, Susanna Maiolo and the White House Party Crashers definitely make my list as well, but I’ve mentioned them all quite recently. Is it just a short memory or does all the dumb stuff really do happen in the later half of the year?

I’M EXPLOSIVE… IN MY PANTS
Although it also sides on scary, the mental imagery of alleged terrorist Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab’s failed attempt to detonate explosives he had sewn inside his underwear can be quite amusing, depending on your mental state. Mine is depraved enough to have come up with what he might have reported back to his superiors:

FAROUK: So I detonated the device right in the middle of all the infidels.

BOSS: And?

FAROUK: It set my crotch on fire.

BOSS: Yeesh… The 72 virgins will not like that, my friend.

FAROUK: It’s ok. A kind infidel jumped the seats and stomped out the fire with his boot.

Sadly, we’re seeing the same spiel from the government on this we always do: we knew about the guy, we knew he was a danger, but heck if we know how he actually got on a flight to Detroit. Republicans will find a way to blame Obama, Democrats will find a way to blame Bush and terrorists will keep slipping by security checkpoints in C4 tighty-whities.

SARAH PALIN SARAH PALIN SARAH PALIN
Usually, once you lose an election you sort of slink back and take yourself out of the limelight for a while. Not so for Palin. She quit her job managing moose in Alaska, released a book and… well, that’s really about it.

So why does the media pay attention to her so much, mostly to the tune of “we should all stop paying attention to this woman”? Why did David Letterman make a joke about her 14-year-old daughter getting “knocked up by A-Rod” which, unfortunately for him, was only the second-skeeziest thing he admitted to this year.

If the media really wants people to dismiss Palin as a dead horse, they should really stop beating her like one. It almost seems more people are liking her just based on sympathy toward how she’s treated.

BLAME IT ON RIO
Did you we’re going to have the 2016 Olympics in Chicago? Of course it’s going to happen! Not only do we have the President and First Lady over in Europe rubbing elbows with the deciders, they even managed to get Oprah Winfrey, in her infinite beauty and grace, to help as well! And come on, Chicago’s a perfect fit! It’s known for… pizza… and mobsters… oh! And the Bulls! They were good once! So let’s all go downtown and cheer on our city as they make the–wait, we’re already eliminated?

Sorry, Illinois. But don’t worry; you’re still getting Guantanamo Bay detainees.