ANNOUNCER: From the makers of Lap-Band, the no. 1 trusted surgical aid for curbing hunger, comes new help for curbing shame and embarrassment: Lip-Band.

Lack of control when speaking can be just as harmful to one’s social and physical health as lack of control when eating. Whereas the Lap-Band was designed to limit what can go into your stomach, the new Lip-Band has been scientifically crafted to limit what comes out of your mouth.

The Lip-Band is small, expandable ring implanted around the mouth in a minimally-invasive outpatient procedure. How it works is simple: Studies have shown that, just before the brain is about to order the utterance of something foolish or self-incriminating, a hormonal reaction releases special proteins into the body that look vaguely like legendary Yankees catcher Yogi Berra. The following example is what happens when there is a high “Berranoid” count.

WIFE: Honey, does this dress make me look fat?

HUSBAND: No, all the fat you’ve stuffed into it makes you look fat!

WIFE: I want a divorce.

ANNOUNCER: The Lip-Band senses the presence of Berranoids in the body and inflates, forming a protective seal between the world and whatever stupid words you were about to unleash upon it.

WIFE: Honey, does this dress make me look fat?

HUSBAND: No, all the fa-hmphfmmph!

WIFE: No? Aw, you’re so sweet!

ANNOUNCER: It doesn’t matter what your status in life is; anyone can benefit from Lip-Band. Take this absolutely spontaneously-derived example.

WIFE: Don’t forget your golf clubs, dear.

HUSBAND: Thank you, supermodel wife, coming out of my beautiful home bought with all the money I’ve made being one of the world’s greatest athletes to hand me my much needed equipment. I love you and our beautiful children.

WIFE: Aw, tee hee!

HUSBAND: (Cell phone rings.) Hold on. Hello?

WOMAN: Hi! This a cocktail waitress with not much going for her who can benefit greatly if caught in an affair with you. Would you like to have sex?

HUSBAND: Boy, do I! Just let me-eemphl!

WOMAN: Hello?

ANNOUNCER: The Lip-Band is guaranteed to last as proven in a clinical study where we implanted one on model/talk show host Tyra Banks. She has not said a single word for 17 weeks and counting. We are so confident in our product, we have lent them to our highest levels of government.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: With Lip-Band installed on Vice-President Biden, I can now ensure that our country’s greatest secrets remain unleaked and the self-sabotage of my administration is kept to a bare minimum.

VICE-PRESIDENT BIDEN: It really works great, everyone! Just make sure you get them installed now, ’cause there’s no way in heck our proposed health care reform will ever cover thi-mpprrphle!

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Thank you, Lip-Band.

ANNOUNCER: Lip-Band makes a perfect gift for yourself or others during the holidays. Female patients can now also opt for our seamlessly blended in “Angelina Jolie” version. Talk to your doctor today about Lip-Band.

Lip-Band: For when you need to keep your fat mouth shut.

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