Wife-carrying competition allows singles

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LATVIA — Organizers of the annual Latvian wife-carrying competition have agreed under pressure of protest to allow single competitors in the race.

While longtime participants have balked at the decision, citing that the object of the competition is to carry one’s wife (or an approved cohabitant) and that the unmarried (or mono-habitant) would have an unfair advantage, single protesters are seeing it as a victory for equal rights.

“For too long, married couples–and approved cohabitants–have enjoyed segregated privileges such as tax breaks, hospital visitation rights, conversation partners and the ability to make little copies of themselves,” said Ludis Kalnins, head of All For One, a singles rights advocacy group that is often mistakenly booked to sing at lavish weddings and state fairs. “Married–and approved cohabiting–people are allowed to participate in solitaire tournaments; why can’t we participate in their wife-carrying competitions?”

While some argue the move is right under political correctness, others dismiss the singles’ push as merely a veiled attempt to get in on action implied through event-related quotes taken entirely out of context.

“We do it two or three times a week,” one champion said in recent coverage. “We run in the stadium, we go with a bicycle, we go in somewhere together. Even when we come home, I lift her on my back and go fourth floor.”

Under the new rules, all single men who wish to participate must shoulder their own awkwardness and insecurities through the course, while single women, like their married counterparts, must cross the finish line without touching the ground. No single competitor placed in the first competition since the rules change.

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Holy Mattress-mony

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I give it six months until he goes Tiger Woods on her with a living room set.

If Mesopotamia is considered the Cradle of Civilization, South Korea should be the Parents’ Basement of Nerdery.

I apologize to Korean speed skaters; you’ve obviously tried your best to buck the trends. Unfortunately, the country is filling with people whose idea of “going out” is rushing to the bathroom for necessary functions between 12-hour sessions of leveling up your dark druid.

It would seem difficult for romance to bloom in a land where basic human contact is treated just a notch above contact with raw sewage, but Koreans are coming to a revelation that is fanning those flickering flames of passion: Why love an actual basic human?

Enter 28-year-old Lee Jin Gyu, a young newlywed with only high aspirations for the rest of his life, and Mrs. Fate Testarossa Jin Gyu, his wide-eyed bride with a fresh linen scent.

She’s a pillow, folks. More specifically, she’s a dakimakura, a body pillow often adorned with the image of an anime girl. Yes, it has its own name, coming from the Japanese “daki,” meaning “pillow,” and “makura,” meaning “you will never, ever want to touch.” This one just happens to have on it an anime girl whose name sounds like a 70s station wagon.

Before we go so quickly and instinctively into how ridiculous it is for a man to marry his favorite linens, let us consider whether Mr. Jin Gyu might actually be on to something. Yes, he has married an inanimate object, but by definition that means it will not run away, a characteristic many men find admirable in women with the possible exception of Jason Voorhees. She also eats very little (although he does buy food for her), is always ready to get close and qualifies as carry-on luggage.

And the truth is, every morning he’s going to wake up, no matter what may be going on in the world — for richer or poorer; in dry clean only or tumble dry — it will always be to that same smile on her face. Or maybe that sad, slightly angsty downcast look, as those are the only two expressions anime girls have. But the point is it will always be there. Maybe covered in his drool but it will be there!

So go on; be disgusted. Cry out how if we allow this, what’s to prevent the degeneration of humanity into marrying their teddy bears. But if this man, who by now probably doesn’t have a chance at a real human girl anyway, is happy, then let them him and his fluffykins be. I hope they grow old and lumpy together.

Simple Saturday: Engagements

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Chrsitmas went pretty well this year on both sides of the family: my dad’s having a quaint dinner and splitting so some could go to Mass; my mom’s sitting around for 8 hours telling stories, with an entire 90 minutes dedicated to hilarious bathroom incidents. That’s about how it goes.

But even better is the fact that my cousin, Skyler, proposed Christmas night to his now-fiancee! It’s something I almost predicted to him, too, a long time ago. I said he’d get married by 21 and he just turned 22 at the beginning of the month.

I was feeling a bit smug until he told me that, if I was on the Price is Right, I’d be out of luck. : /

Do you have any Christmas stories to share? Please do!