KALAMAZOO, Mich.–At a press conference held outside the overpriced one-room apartment of Bernard “Bernie” Mathers, The World publically admitted its longtime disgust with the schlub and its ongoing attempts to make his life miserable at every turn.
“What Bernie has thought to be true and has told everyone he meets for years really is true: I, wholly, am against him,” The World said.
The admission is bittersweet to Mathers, who could be observed peeking through the tiny, cracked window of his sixth-floor-with-no-elevator room, ducking down in fear whenever The World even made an inkling of looking up toward him.
Mathers says he first started thinking The World might not have liked him on a fateful May day in seventh grade, as he looked out an open window, daydreaming of being out and enjoying the clear day, and was struck by a freak arc of lightning for the third time in his life.
“It was that third one that gave me my tic,” Mathers said, his right eye convulsing with memory of the event.
Small twists of fate continued to dog him, resulting in — among other misfortunes — 28 failed relationships, five audits by the IRS and 47 days in federal prison after somehow being confused for Sirhan Sirhan.
“I’ve also been bitten by 14 different rabid animals,” Mathers said. “The last one was a marmoset. They don’t even live around here.”
When later asked about the marmoset, The World shrugged.
“I was getting tired of the whole rabid animal routine and wanted to end on something memorable,” it said.
The World added that it was responsible for destroying Mathers’ dream of becoming an architect, arranging small, Rube Goldberg-like disasters that got him fired right down the job ladder to a position more to The World’s liking: a voluntary paid human test subject for a health and beauty firm. As a result of his history of experiments, he completely hairless, possesses a slight greenish tinge to his skin and periodically emits an odor that has been pinpointed as “a mix of turpentine and Roquefort cheese.”
Elsie Taylor, a neighbor who lives on a lower floor, as Mathers’ floor only contains his room, knows him well but was surprised by The World’s announcement.
“He’s always said The World was against him, but I just assumed he really meant a combination of poor choices and depression-induced failure to see opportunities had left him in a downward spiral,” she said. “Good thing I didn’t become a psychiatrist!”
The World said he would likely continue to be against Mathers, although opportunities are slimmer than they once were now that he mainly stays locked in his room surrounded by various editions of The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook.
“It’s really not as satisfying as it used to be honestly,” The World said. “There’s more overall negativity in me these days. I think it’s part of my temperature fluctuations, or just people yappin’ too much about it. You know, I can’t even fully remember why I ever started on Bernie in the first place. I think it had something to do with his eyes. They were too small for his head, even as a kid. Made him look kinda like a domino. Ah, well.”