AP Photo

Oooh... Ahhh...

If there is anyone who can not possibly have a cooler job as the Fourth of July nears, it is our brave officers and explosives experts who produce all those bits for the local news on how utterly dangerous fireworks can be in the hands of haphazard, ignorant rubes (i.e. us).

Many a mannequin and watermelon is sacrificed in this yearly ritual, but all vaporize honorably for public service… and entertainment. To say anyone whose duty is to blow things up to show people not to blow things up is not having fun is blasphemy against the very laws of the universe. The police are not only trained in explosives; they are trained in hiding their juvenile glee behind their mustaches as tiny crumbs of Molly the CPR Doll fly into the next county (which is all right since they likely stole the next county’s Molly for the demonstration in the first place). Blowing stuff up when you have the right conditions and opportunity is inherently and inescapably fun. It is the unwritten myth proven by the Mythbusters in nearly every episode they’ve ever made.

You know the only thing that makes this job not fun for the authorities. When after they spend a good day vaporizing produce and test dummies they still have to spend the next day responding to accidents where people blow off their hands and kill themselves with fireworks anyway. In fact, that kills everyone’s buzz. Seriously. So after you have your giggles with the safety videos, just take that extra few seconds, spark that bit of imagination that hasn’t yet been killed by quitting books and just superimpose your head over that mannequin’s. Yeah. When it comes to fireworks, you’re a schmuck. I’m a schmuck. Your Dos Equis-drinking uncle is a schmuck. DON’T LIGHT YOUR OWN FIREWORKS.

Maybe–just maybe–if we’re all good this year, the cops will be in a good enough mood to continue warning us about other things, like the hazards of walking under monster trucks, running in front of out-of-control flamethrowers or falling out of planes while strapped with live grenades.