CAPE TOWN — All it takes is one little mast-bender with a boat to reignite old prejudices in the ocean.
A southern right whale (as opposed to the southern liberal whales found off the coast of Atlanta) recently belly-flopped onto a couple’s yacht off the coast of South Africa, damaging the vessel but not appearing to injure anyone involved. Unfortunately for the whale, however, the accident was caught on film and has been spreading like a tsunami across the internet. Other creatures of the deep are nodding their heads — or head-like bulbous outcroppings — in what they believe is evidence of the Old Gull’s Tale that whales are horrible navigators.
“I know they’re basically the biggest thing out there, but come on; you’re still in the middle of the ocean!” said Margaret Billings, a cape fur seal. “There’s literally miles of open water on either side of the boat. Are you telling me she couldn’t have just veered to the right or left? And then you try to dive over at the last moment or something? Like the Amy Winehouse of Free Willies. There’s a little move called ‘underwater.’ Try it sometime!”
“Cetacean drivers…” muttered seahorse Stanley Firkis. “Always riding your tail, sounding their blowholes at you. They have no respect even when you’re wearing your ‘Babies on Board’ sign! Look, I’m sure they’re not all so lousy, but how many beached dolphins or octopi do you ever see, huh?”
The National Association for the Rights of Whales, Heritage and Aquatic Life (NARWHAL) has decried the uprising of anti-whale-driving sentiment as speciest and unwarranted.
“This is just one incident after years of safe swimming,” spokeswhale Dimitri Miller said. “This is just one drop in the ocean. A huge, blubbery, ship-splintering drop, yes, but still a drop. And as you can plainly see, the ship had no visible turn signal at the time of the incident. There is clearly no one involved who doesn’t share some of the fault. The matter has been settled like mammals and I implore the rest of the ocean to keep their opinions to themselves.”
Lawyers for both sides said insurance information was shared at the time of the accident and that the couple has already received 5 tons of plankton for compensation.