No doubt the imminent departure of your figurehead and hope for the future, LeBron James, has hit with full, soul-crushing force by now. LeBron has left you for Miami, a city that is much prettier, warmer and more fun at parties than you, and things are looking quite bleak.
You may be pondering at this moment just ripping the expensive LeBron jersey off your body and throwing yourself into your once-flammable river in despair, but I am here to tell you that is the wrong choice to make. For one, there’s probably a long line backed up at the river right now. But also, there are several things Cleveland as a city still has going for it. You just need to be reminded at this time of grief.
Things Cleveland Still Has Going for It
- The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame–A building that is not only the bastion of music history and culture, but also serves as a pointy foot-spearer of any mutated creature that should rise from the sludge of Lake Erie.
- Drew Carey–A man who was able to rise from the ranks of inconspicuous, down-on-his-luck people from Cleveland by playing an inconspicuous, down-on-his-luck person from Cleveland.
- That new show on basic cable, “Hot In Cleveland”–I haven’t seen it, but it has Betty White. White can be your new LeBron!
- How do I turn the numbering off on this–ah! Here we go.
OK, so it’s somewhat of a meager list for now, but I’m sure there are plenty more reasons! And even if there aren’t, just take a look to your left and right. You’re in good company, Cleveland: Detroit and Buffalo are here for you. The Ladies of the Great Lakes have fallen on some hard times, all with industry not being what it once was in this great country and all of our sports teams abject failures. We’re sad to see you come back into the fold with LeBron’s departure–that last crush of hope is the worst–but we’ll get through. How about you wipe those eyes now, eh? We’ll go get some beer and wings, and then we can all make fun of Kansas City’s sports teams together.
Soon you’ll forget all about your turncoat prince. Just as long as you don’t watch ESPN for the next 8 or so years.