(If you don’t know what I’m talking about…)

MONTY: Welcome back to Let’s Make a Deal! So here we are, Martha. Three doors in front of you. Behind two are the finest Kentuckian goats we could find but behind one, a brand new 1972 Dodge Dart! Can you just imagine your sweetie driving you to a Carpenters concert in that beauty?

MARTHA: Eeeee! [The crowd cheers.]

MONTY: So which door will it be, Martha: one, two or three?

MARTHA: I think I’ll go with… oh, dear… I’ll take door number one!

MONTY: Door number one it is! That means you did not pick door number three. Let’s open that now!

[Martha closes her eyes and winces as the door slides open to reveal… a goat next to a small mountain of tin cans. She opens her eyes again once the crowd cheers.]

MONTY: You’ve chosen wisely so far! We know where one of the goats is, but now is where it gets interesting. I will now give you the opportunity to switch to door number two if you so desire, or you could stay with your original choice, door number one!

MARTHA: Really? Eeee, what do I do!? I think… [she nervously wraps a curl of permed hair around a finger as she scans the audience for advice, finding a frenzied mix of bell-bottomed uselessness] I… I think I’ll switch, Monty! Door number t–

???: Whoa, whoa, Martha! What’re you doing to me?!

MARTHA: Who said that…?

MONTY: Er, said what? Probably just a crazed audience member. Let’s move along and open up–

???: It’s me, baby! Door number one!

MARTHA: What? The door?


DOOR ONE: Why are you breakin’ my heart like this, baby? You pick me then just flip me like that as soon as Mr. Slick gives you the chance?

MARTHA: I didn’t really mean to — I mean, I just though you were a door—

DOOR ONE: I’m your door, baby! You chose me for a reason, didn’t you?

DOOR TWO: Please, don’t listen to this knock-off beside me, my dear. The odds are better with me.

DOOR ONE: What’re you talking about, numbknob? There’s two of us left; it’s a 50/50 chance!

DOOR TWO: Aside from my well-demonstrated gift of maturity, I can assure you there is actually a two-out-of-three chance you will find the car behind me.

MARTHA: What? But how?

DOOR ONE: You had to ask…

MONTY: Can we cut to commercial?

DOOR TWO: When you originally picked my knotty little friend—

DOOR ONE: Hey! Don’t knock the mahogany!

DOOR TWO: There was a one-in-three chance you chose correctly. That means there was a two-out-of-three chance the car was behind myself or door number three. Our esteemed host, however, has already opened door three to reveal a goat. That means our combined better chance of housing the car now lies squarely with me.

MARTHA: That makes sense! I think…

DOOR ONE: Oh, come on! Don’t let all that stupid logic crap sway your heart, baby. You chose me out of fate! Something drew you to me; something neither of us can explain. Switching now is like saying that’s all wrong. That you are wrong!

MARTHA: Well, yeah, but…

DOOR ONE: Look, I know I’ve had my ins and outs with others in the past. They’ve all been public and ugly, but that’s the price of fame, baby! This time will be different, I promise.

DOOR TWO: He does this to everyone Martha. Do not be swayed by your inferior human emotions. Probability is on your side with me!

DOOR ONE: Shut your mouth like the rest of you, Two! This is between me and lady!

DOOR THREE: Everyone just SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP, OK?! At least the two of you still have chances to be chosen. I’ve already been exposed as a loser to the whole world — just some schmuck entryway with a goat who’s already piddled all over the floor! Who the hell wants a door with goat piddle behind it, huh? Huh?? No one! I’m ruined! There’s nothing left. Nothing! I’m going to unhinge myself! I SWEAR TO GOD I’M GOING TO UNHINGE MYSELF!!!

MONTY: We really need to get some curtains.