Lysol has long been a helpful tool in germ warfare, helping to reduce the spread of infections through homes and hospitals alike, not to mention giving the scent of “crisp linen” its proper place in the annals of olfactory appreciation.

While it remains a household name, Lysol’s marketing campaign relies heavily on convincing people they are one doorknob, handset or snotty kid away from contracting the next incurable form of the zombie apocalypse. A little overbearing, perhaps, but the ads are still rooted in a form of logic. Lysol has never thrown common sense overboard in its attempt to sell products.

Until now, that is. Meet the No-Touch Hand Soap System, the long-awaited evolution of soap-dispensing technology.

It apparently also has wi-fi

“Hand washing is one of the most important steps to help stay healthy,” the description states. “But have you ever thought about those germs ending up on your soap pump?”

Oh good gracious, I’ve never considered that! I require the cleansing power within to purify my sullied hands, but in doing so much touch something… something germy! What a double-edged sword!

Woe is me. In depressing the plastic pump handle of the damned, I have delivered antibacterial salvation to one hand at the sacrifice of the other! If only there was some way I could transfer the soap in one hand across the void to its brother!

There's so many things your hands can do

Oh, that’s right! I rub my hands together! The soap does its job of killing the germs and it’s like I never touched that nasty old pump handle to begin with. Now if I can just resist the urge to lick it on my way out, I should fi–oh no! Doorknob!

There are a few reasons to buy a hands-free soap dispenser. You can get one for that neat whirring noise they make, or to keep up with the Joneses who just installed an airlock outside their toilet. But you should not get one believing you will keep yourself healthier by not touching something dirty right before you clean your hands. That’s like paying to dismantle a wall by hand and then going through the one behind it with your free wrecking ball.

And don’t even get me started on Kleenex’s disposable hand towels.

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