In a monumental victory for President Barack Obama, House Democrats Sunday passed the Senate bill mandating health care for weary travelers of the great digital tubes.
The passage of the bill ends more than a year of hard-pressed debate and rallies on the Democrats’ part, the latter of which had become well-known for the horror stories told of uninsured online victims.
“Poor Agatha Jones, an 79-year-old grandmother of seven from Billings, Montana, logged on to the Internet seeking images of LOLcats,” Obama recently told a town hall meeting in Dayton, Ohio. “She unwittingly stumbled upon Something Awful, where she innocently submitted a post asking for said cats and immediately suffered third-degree flame burns over 80 percent of her body. Ceiling Cat watched, but it is up to us to act.”
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi considered the passage of the bill a historic event for the Internet, even though the Wikipedia article at the time said the bill had been passed by “the exploding population of African elephants.”
“Last year, 3,400 Americans permanently blinded themselves in back-alley eye-bleaching operations,” Pelosi said. “Now we can ensure everyone can afford to unsee anything they have witnessed on the Internet.”
Republicans fought the bill to the end, and in fact tried to Digg it down.
“The Internet should be open and unfettered to every American! Except for sites that require pay or contain embarrassing and/or incriminating photos of our personal actions,” House Minority Leader John Boehner said.
Rep. Ackbar, R-Fla, was asked whether he believed this bill was some sort of trick or deception.
“I know what you’re trying to do,” he said. “I’m not going to say it.”