I give it six months until he goes Tiger Woods on her with a living room set.

If Mesopotamia is considered the Cradle of Civilization, South Korea should be the Parents’ Basement of Nerdery.

I apologize to Korean speed skaters; you’ve obviously tried your best to buck the trends. Unfortunately, the country is filling with people whose idea of “going out” is rushing to the bathroom for necessary functions between 12-hour sessions of leveling up your dark druid.

It would seem difficult for romance to bloom in a land where basic human contact is treated just a notch above contact with raw sewage, but Koreans are coming to a revelation that is fanning those flickering flames of passion: Why love an actual basic human?

Enter 28-year-old Lee Jin Gyu, a young newlywed with only high aspirations for the rest of his life, and Mrs. Fate Testarossa Jin Gyu, his wide-eyed bride with a fresh linen scent.

She’s a pillow, folks. More specifically, she’s a dakimakura, a body pillow often adorned with the image of an anime girl. Yes, it has its own name, coming from the Japanese “daki,” meaning “pillow,” and “makura,” meaning “you will never, ever want to touch.” This one just happens to have on it an anime girl whose name sounds like a 70s station wagon.

Before we go so quickly and instinctively into how ridiculous it is for a man to marry his favorite linens, let us consider whether Mr. Jin Gyu might actually be on to something. Yes, he has married an inanimate object, but by definition that means it will not run away, a characteristic many men find admirable in women with the possible exception of Jason Voorhees. She also eats very little (although he does buy food for her), is always ready to get close and qualifies as carry-on luggage.

And the truth is, every morning he’s going to wake up, no matter what may be going on in the world — for richer or poorer; in dry clean only or tumble dry — it will always be to that same smile on her face. Or maybe that sad, slightly angsty downcast look, as those are the only two expressions anime girls have. But the point is it will always be there. Maybe covered in his drool but it will be there!

So go on; be disgusted. Cry out how if we allow this, what’s to prevent the degeneration of humanity into marrying their teddy bears. But if this man, who by now probably doesn’t have a chance at a real human girl anyway, is happy, then let them him and his fluffykins be. I hope they grow old and lumpy together.

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