If our economic recovery is to be successful there is one demographic we must unburden immediately: our country’s sumo wrestlers. Should we not provide them some financial stability soon, they may revolt like Russia’s strongly represented sumo population and take matters into their own hands …or against their bellies, or wherever it is sumo wrestlers take matters.

Don’t ask me how difficult it is in Moscow to locate a sumo wrestler who just ripped out and walked away with a 200-pound cash machine. The report says the wrestler and accomplice were found in a BMW lacking plates, but it’s pretty safe to assume they could follow the sparks created by its undercarriage scraping against the pavement as well.

Hawaii and all nationwide Sizzlers, you’ve been warned.