In another bold move aimed to enrich and protect the future of many struggling Americans, President Barack Obama today signed a new law in response to the nation’s elevated unemployment rate.

“America is facing one of its most significant crises in decades as the number of people desperately seeking a highly limited number of jobs increases,” President Obama said. “The most direct and threatening effect of these circumstances is clear: a massive influx of resumés thrown away by employers is filling our landfills, destroying our trees and probably contributing to climate change somehow.

“That is why I am proud to say today we have passed through legislation requiring all resumés submitted by job seekers to be printed on special, federally-certified paper that is both 100 percent recycled and highly biodegradable. I welcome this law as a giant step forward in addressing the problem caused by unemployment in our country.”

The new law was lauded by employers, who had been complaining for some time of feeling oppressed and hopeless against what feels like an insurmountable wall of people wishing to work for them.

“We get so many job applications nowadays, we’ve gone to only opening envelopes with the cutest stamps on them,” said Leonard Hills, CEO of McDermot—Schlesenhauffer Enterprises. “We’ve felt so guilty about shipping all this paper away. It’s a godsend the government has finally heard our pleas and decided to truly do something about this awful situation we’ve been under.”

The new paper is expected to cost approximately 2.7 cents more per sheet than standard paper. Proposals made to the government requesting funding to build domestic plants for such paper have been denied, as a sufficient number of plants sprung up in China yesterday.

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