Renowned paleontologists have decided to once again mess with the common populace by deciding certain dinosaurs, in fact, resembled feathery Ziggy Stardust impersonators rather than the “terrible lizards” as previously stated.
“The monochromatic wings are a little bland, but we were concentrating more on gradients,” said Dr. Edmund Silvas, a senior paleontologist at Yale University. “We added the bitchin’ orange mohawk and the glam leg plumage to make up for it.”
According to Dr. Silvas, determining the colors and configurations of such creatures is actually easier than one may think, as they have been dead for millions of years and there’s no way anyone can argue with you.
“We get people ready to debate, of course; saying we’re just being ridiculous,” Dr. Silvas said. “When faced with such dissension, we usually ask for everyone in the room who is a world-class, peer-reviewed authority on dinosaurs to please raise their hand, and that usually shuts them up.”
Scientists’ theories of the relations between dinosaurs and birds is nothing new, Dr. Silvas said, as one can only study dusty old bones so much before growing bored and letting one’s mind wander.
“It’s traced directly back to 1992, when some paleontologists from Cambridge were distracting themselves playing Super Mario World — I admit we play video games quite a lot,” he said. At first they considered a theory that dinosaurs actually squished when stomped on and were not killed unless stomped again. However, later in the game they fed Yoshi a blue shell and bam! Wings! The rest is academic history and we’ve been trying to one-up each other on it ever since.”
Some, however, are not pleased with the latest development and say they’re fed up with scientists switching things on them every few years.
“Who do they think they are, toying with us like this?” said Steven Roberts, founder of the anti-feather site leavethemscaly.org. “Don’t they know how many of us were heartbroken in third grade when we told our classmates our favorite dinosaur was the brontosaurus and they were all like, ‘But that’s not a real dino anymore!’ and we went ‘Of course it is; the Flintstones even went to brontosaurus burger!’ and they were like ‘Nuh-uh! Scientists said so!’ and they punched us in the stomach and stole our Trapper Keeper with all the brontosaurus stickers on it and we later had to bribe a girl with a Nutter Bar to fish it out of the ladies room toilet? Apatosaurus is a stupid name…”
Not to be outdone, the International Association of Astronomers has scheduled an emergency meeting to declare Pluto “planetarily bi-curious.”