The smile-emblazoned faces of millions of bodies are littering the cereal aisles and breakfast nooks of the world in an epidemic traced back to the release of General Mills’ new Chocolate Cheerios.
Initial panic has been replaced by a sense of awe and even slight jealousy as survivors have realized that victims of the cereal have, in fact, died happy.
“What we’ve been seeing is a phenomenon known as ‘Supreme Satisfaction Overload,'” said Dr. Reginald Sockett, head of pathological studies at the Centers for Disease Control. “The wholesome goodness, healthful benefits and now rich, ‘real cocoa’ taste of these new Chocolate Cheerios are creating a euphoria of an intensity previously unknown to the metaphysical self, causing almost immediate shutdown. In other words, the soul thinks it has reached the beautiful, heartswelling end of Titanic and believes the only thing left to do is run the credits.”
Evidence of Supreme Satisfaction Overload has been confirmed through witness accounts and media footage. A Baton Rouge cameraman captured the last moments of Serena Ivenson, a 44-year-old real estate agent, as she sighted one remaining box of Chocolate Cheerios on the shelf of her local Piggly Wiggly.
“Is that–” Ivenson stammers as her eyes widen with surprise, leaning over a pile of grinning bodies to reach the box. “Oh my heavens, it is! You know how long I’ve been waiting for them to come out with these? You have the Honey Nut and the Apple Cinnamon and the Frosted and they’re all fine and all, but Chocolate! I mean, how long did it really have to take them to figure this out?”
At this point she rips into the box, munches a handfull of the brown cereal and makes nearly carnal sounds of pleasure. Following this, she drops the box with an almost face-cracking smile, calmly lies down on the floor of the market and silently passes on. Theological theorists, who have enlarged the footage to show texture and detail, say that you can actually see angels lifting Ivenson’s jubilant soul skyward.
According to Dr. Sockett, such a severe case of Supreme Satisfaction Overload has not been seen since the Sliced Bread epidemic of 1134. Further, he believes the ‘O-pocalypse,’ as it is becoming popularly known, has not yet ended, and that natural human curiosity will drive others to try part of this healthy, and in many cases last, breakfast.
“Eventually, the world will be left only with people who don’t like chocolate and/or Cheerios,” he said. “It will basically be a planet of cranky, miserable fuddy-duddies.”