NEW ORLEANS — With newfound soaring popularity, it’s a great time to be a vampire — unless, that is, you’re out of the times. Luckily, groups of old-fashioned blood-sucking guys can receive a crash course in luring modern-day victims.

The gatherings, nicknamed  “sparkle parties” by women of their kind, are specifically tuned to educate the male vampire on what a young human female expects — and practically demands — of vampires nowadays.

“It has never been easier to feed,” said vampire and course creator Vlad “Vincent” DelRoque. “There are young women — and some slightly older, particularly older librarians — willing to throw themselves in front of your fangs. You just have to adapt yourself to the well of vampiric knowledge from which they draw, and it just unfortunately happens to be that of a crazy Mormon mother of three in her 30s who never watches horror films.”

This means traditional vampires are quickly learning to replace that well-cemented widow’s peak with a soft, slightly disheveled fluff helmet; that piercing, hypnotic gaze with the wide, stormy, mascara-lined eyes of a deer caught in the headlights of an AngstUV; that classy, confident monologue with just… sort of standing in front of each other awkwardly for a while.

The process has not been easy for many of the vampires.

“I’m really not getting it,” said Sterling “Stephan” Dracule, a veteran vampire of 470 years. “The old way has always worked in the past. Even up in the 1980s, when everyone looked like idiots, the women still went for poise, class; that strange, exotic unknown. Now they just want some sort of freak.

“I mean, you used to approach a girl and compliment her on how lovely her neck was. It’s gentlemanly, but still gave her a clue to your intentions, right? Now look at what we’re supposed to say: ‘Hey, would you like to go somewhere and commit to each other not have to sex until marriage?’ What is this stuff?”

But if you haven’t had any good blood in a few years, you’re more willing to stoop to the standards of a new century. A new line of “paling salons” have seen heavy traffic, where vampiric men can make themselves look more sickly before being sprayed with a thin layer of glitter.

Female vampires, on the other hand, tend to find the situation quite amusing and report no reduction in the number of males they have successfully preyed upon in the past five centuries.

“It’s still the Three C’s all the way,” vampire Camilla Rouge said. “Curves, Cooing and Cleavage. And I don’t think anyone’s going to write a book convincing young adult males otherwise.”

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