NEW YORK–Police are searching for the AT&T coverage map after its heated cellular rival was found permanently dropped in an alley beside a Starbucks Tuesday.
The deceased Verizon map was found by Bill Daly, a bike messenger who said he was taking a shortcut.
“I came upon it and first thought, ‘Wow, Verizon’s got everywhere covered now!’,” he said. “But when I looked closer I saw it was just blood.”
Police describe the attack as the most brutal case of cartogricide on record and were not shy in hinting toward their suspect.
“You could say that someone reached out and touched the Verizon map–36 times with a sharp instrument,” said Lt. Martin Boyle of the NYPD. “The Verizon map’s state of Florida was also snapped off and shoved down its own Great Salt Lake, making us further believe this was a crime of rage or revenge.”
The Verizon and AT&T coverage maps had been embroiled in a bitter feud over the past month, holding nothing back in mudslinging campaigns against each other.
“I mean, AT&T hired Owen Wilson,” Daly said. “They were bringing in a really big gun ther–what? It was Luke? Oh…”
Other members of the mobile community have been reluctant to speak about the matter, including the Sprint map.
“Right now: 1 map is dead, 1 map is facing 25 years to life and 1 map is afraid for his life should he snitch,” it said.
The iPhone, a known partner with AT&T, remains tight-screened on the case and continues frantically offering restaurant reviews, car unlocking services and Chinese lessons in an attempt to distract police.
“Although,” the iPhone slipped in an Apple-y smug moment, “you have to wonder why he didn’t just call for help.”
Verizon issued a release stating that a memorial service will be held Friday for their map. All customers are invited to attend, after which they will be charged a $200 early termination fee.