Target of Purchase for this Year: Motorized Dustrag

The Corporate Holiday Overlords have determined that the motorized dustrags known to youth as “Zhu Zhu Pets” are the (italicized the) hot toy of the holiday season, and that your child shall remain miserable unless you have procured one for his or her possession.

The motorized dustrag has been equipped with the features “personality,” “sound-making capabilities,” “hamster-like shape” and, of course, “motion.” The Overlords, in their festive grace, have priced the motorized dustrags below $10 to ease the affliction upon your personal finances. However, the Overlords wish to remind you that, at this price, your child may wonder why he or she has only procured one if that is all you choose to supply or, if you are of Jewish faith, why one has not been supplied on each of the eight days of Chanukah.

The Overlords also wish to remind you that markups will be common, and that you may have to physically engage other adults in a test of endurance and parental commitment in order to claim a motorized dustrag and, subsequently, prove that your love for your child is greater. Do not resist such behavior as it pleases the Overlords, who channel your dark energies to power the incantations that make next year’s mind-numbingly simple toys irresistible to your offspring.

A joyous celebration of the holiday(s) of your faith(s) and/or preference(s) is wished upon you by the Corporate Holiday Overlords. They are sure that the look upon your child’s face upon reception of the motorized dustrag will make all of the rushing, store-calling, early awakenings, contusions, scratches, concussions, backstabbings and/or illegal activities tolerable to your inner feelings. Your child is also guaranteed to enjoy the motorized dustrag for up to one week, whereupon it will break, grow too widespread to become popular, or your child will suddenly wonder why he or she wanted a hamster-like object when he or she has never wanted a real hamster to begin with. The Overlords recommend that you make room beside the convulsing red children’s show puppet, beaked eavesdropper upon governmental secrets and captive digital soul within a small plastic keychain for imminent post-holiday disposal.

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