NEW YORK–Distraught that they must wait three months until their favorite sport revs up again, NASCAR fans have turned their sights toward the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade in order to get their thrills.
“S’only a week after Jimmie (Johnson) took the championship an’ I’m already B-O-R-D bored,” said Bill Mayer, an escalator repairman from Murfreesboro, Tenn. and avid NASCAR watcher. “Then I remembered that parade up in Yankeeville an’ thought to myself, ‘Hey, they got a track up there an’ stuff on it. That’s some potential goin’ on!'”
Mayer quickly organized other die-hard fans who collaborated and sent a letter to New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg asking that several allowances be made with this year’s parade. The letter arrived with a “peace offering” consisting of two Dale Earnhardt Jr. beer koozies and a bag of pork rinds.
Among requests stated in the letter, the fans ask that floats be given high-performance engines and splitters, balloons be permitted to bump draft and that only left turns be made on the parade route.
The request that has most traditionalists balking the loudest, however, is to allow passing during the parade.
“Now let’s say you got the good ol’ Snoopy balloon ridin’ up right on the bumper of that Pokey-man critter,” said Marie Dubois, a diner owner from Tuskagoree, Ala. “Under the current rules, poor Snoopy’s gotta hold back and just putter along until it’s all over, but under our rules those people holdin’ his ropes can just run up right past and the Pokey people can try to block of course and soon you got one helluva battle between these two right there on the route where they’re all jockeyin’ and bumpin’ into each other and scrapin’ against them buildings on the outside–ooh, it makes me wanna whoop just thinking about it!”
“Absolutely not!” said Parade Director Cid Bernstein regarding the demands of the letter. “We will not allow our parade to become a farce! Look; under these regulations, the Rockettes would be required to wear full firesuits and helmets for safety reasons. Have you ever tried to do a bounce-turn-kick-turn-bend-dip-turn-back-and-kick in a firesuit? No! Because no one has and there’s a reason for that! And don’t even get me started on the speed that would be involved. You know those pilgrims we always have with those huge paper mache heads? Well one turn at 110 mph and you can say goodbye to our country’s settlers! They’d wash up in Jersey somewhere looking like pinatas with road rash!”
Disappointed at the adamant refusals of the city and parade committee to incorporate some of their suggestions, the letter-writing fans have mostly resigned themselves to another slower, less fume-filled Thanksgiving.
“Hell, I’ll still watch the parade,” said Ted Braxton, mayor of the small mountain town of Findleysburg, Ga. “It’s still an American tradition after all, and damn if we don’t love America. ‘Sides, there’s sill a possibility of seeing some crashes. That’s all anybody watches these parades for, anyway.”