We must further postpone the “Toys that Can Kill You” post for this emergency bulletin: Pigs remain sentient after death and will also kill you from beyond the grave, if given the chance.
I’m not talking about the long-term, calculated revenge of too many Baconators at Wendy’s; I mean a direct, pre-emptive strike against the most dangerous target in the room if armed with enough kinetic energy–and there’s obviously a great big bullseye on celebrity chef Paula Deen.
The Food Network star was handing out hams to a Georgia food pantry Monday when she made the near-fatal mistake of tossing one to an associate. The ham, imbued with the rage and dark, necromaniacal energies of the recently murdered, leaped out of the man’s hands and made a return trip straight against Deen’s face. The scene was reminiscent of the facehugger scene in Alien, if the ham had claws, an ovipositor and went “SKREEEEE!” as it sailed through the air.
Paula’s nose ended up a bit sore but otherwise she survived the ordeal, even so far as to laugh about it to interviewers afterward in a showing of true Southern ladyship. She may in fact get the last laugh, as searching “Paula Deen ham” nets one with a multitude of delicious-sounding recipes to use against the aggressive product. Arm yourself as you see fit.
This time around, however, even though I’m a stout Christian, I have to admit the Jews and Muslims got this one spot on: Don’t mess with pigs because they will find a way to mess back. And when the aporkalypse comes, I know exactly where I’m going to be: hiding behind Paula Deen.