I will attempt to describe the events that transpired today in as delicate and least imagination-inducing terms as possible. I really did have something else planned today—a fun discussion on the latest watchgroup list of toys that will kill you—but that has been postponed for the following account. Feel free to laugh. Feel free to become disgusted. But I’m telling you all this because, some day, It May Happen to You.

It all began innocently enough. I was in my car, on my way to do some library perusal and shopping. Passing through a village, I felt a small buildup of internal pressure and relieved it as anyone traveling alone has the Constitutional right to do. There was a moment of relief… and then the terror spread. I had discovered only too late that something dark and vile had stowed itself away in such an innocent, routine function, and as a cold chill ran up my spine I knew it was threatening to unleash itself further upon the fabric of the unsuspecting community.

An emergency stop at a public isolation chamber for damage assessment revealed that my defenses had been compromised. I was on my own for this one, home base too far away to request backup. There was no Going Rogue, either. I would have to go commando.

The process of re-instating the defense line would prove more difficult than imagined. I managed to infiltrate a supply drop and exchange for a 3-pack of cotton, no-bunch armor, but as I approached their public isolation chamber, a sign prohibiting the passage of the newly-acquired supplies was clearly displayed. Curses, these people were clever! I considered sneaking in, but knew I would never survive an interrogation if I was caught. I would have to move on unprotected.

Finally, however, I found a new target: an isolation area within a complex of supply drops. I made my move, defense item concealed within my jacket pocket, and conducted the rebriefing with expert precision. Freshness level returned to Daisy, I proceeded with my day inconspicuously, America none the wiser to the threat I was forced to neutralize—and that many more brave souls face every day.

Knowing is half the battle, fellow citizen. The other half is avoiding too much dairy.