FORT COLLINS, Colo.–In an ironic turn of events, TV executives have been so fascinated by the “balloon boy” saga that reality shows have been offered to all of its participants—with the exception of the father who concocted the scheme to gain reality stardom in the first place.

Representatives of the four major networks confirmed the show ideas Wednesday and that Richard Heene would not be the star of any of them.

Larimer County Sheriff Jim Alderden, the man who originally sided with the Heene family until evidence of trickery was discovered, has been offered a show by NBC in which he will work to debunk other conspiracies in Colorado, including the Denver Broncos’ so-far perfect record.

Wife Mayumi Heene will reprise her “Wife Swap” role for ABC, being placed in the matriarchal role of families with various crazy men in an attempt to see how long it takes before she realizes their ideas are absolute batcrap. The show is tentatively titled “Mayumi is Yourumi.”

FOX News has swept up a hidden camera show in which they will feed 6-year-old grounded flyboy Falcon Heene all of the confidential, embargoed information they know and place him on other news networks’ interview shows to see how much the little scamp will inadvertently leak.

“He will receive 1 point for every forbidden item he blurts out–2 points if it’s from the Obama administration—with a bonus 3 points for every wingtip he manages to vomit upon,” FOX representative Eric Buffamate said.

As for Richard Heene, the man so desperate for a show that he had preemptively composed a theme song for it, has been turned down at every pitch he’s made.

“I mean, ‘Richard Heene, Psyience Detective’? Really?” CBS representative Anita Mathers said. “If we wanted a show of the caliber Mr. Heene could provide, we’d just hep Bill Nye the Science guy up on crack, give him an old Stephen Baldwin haircut and set him loose upon the world.”

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