In the toilsome routine of the average working individual, times may arise when one looks over all they have accomplished in their career to date and wonder, “Gee, there has to be a job out there that offers more fame or fortune for an equal or lesser investment of brainpower.” Then the devil appears and offers you this desire in return for your soul, so you hesitantly sign only to realize, of course, you’ve been tricked and must employ all your cunning to beat Beelzebub at his own game and return things to exactly the way they were, only with a newfound appreciation of your meager yet ultimately worthwhile life.

Sucker.

You don’t need unholy legalese to open yourself to the world of satisfying idiotwork. All you need is an open mind and an eye for opportunity. Why not pursue one of these two examples below?

Inept Infomercial Example
The point of infomercials is to convince you, the consumer, that the traditional way you have capably handled mundane tasks your entire life is complicated, inefficient and potentially lethal and that you need this new, mass-manufactured item to get with the times and become a shining example of human progress and ingenuity—until your next garage sale.

The problem with convincing people their old ways are horrendous is that it often just doesn’t feel that way to them. They need to be shown how bad it is; they need to see for themselves how they must look attempting their obsolete methods of getting through life.

That’s where you’d come in. You would be the persuasive mirror convincing the world how stupid they look trying to mop a floor with a mop, of all things! And how come they never injured their fingers trying to chop carrots the old way like that? It just seems so simple to do if some sort of frontal lobotomy-simulating condition struck you while you were in the middle of making dinner!

Ah, how much fun it must be to take everyday objects and inflict as much mayhem upon yourself and others in grand displays of exaggerated clumsiness. There’s a sense of pride about it among the career players, with the crown still going to Herbet Nacker, who managed to annihilate three city blocks and lose seven of his toes with nothing more than an ordinary nosehair trimmer.

TV Show Concept Regurgitator
It’s incredibly difficult to break into show business, it’s true. But why is that? Because the jobs you actually do are so ridiculously easy!

Let’s say you’re in charge of the coming network lineup. Should you try one of those risky original shows that critics rave about yet no one seems to watch? Not unless Tina Fey is holding members of your family hostage, apparently. So what’s an exec to do?

Well, people like to watch three—and apparently only three—things: doctors, lawyers and cops. It used to be that you had to shake these things up a bit to keep people entertained; you know, things like changing the jobs and motives of the main characters, most of the words in the titles, etc. But not anymore! CBS alone has the crime drama market cornered in just two properties. Heck, the original “CSI:” came pre-loaded with a colon, just begging for spin-offs!

Off the top of my head, here are all the crime dramas currently on CBS. If any are canceled, they’ve run at least two seasons and were airing new episodes within the past year:

CSI: (Finding killers with science)
CSI: Miami (Finding killers with science and sunglasses)
CSI: New York (Finding killers with science and accents)
NCIS (Finding killers with science in the military)
NCIS: Los Angeles (Finding killers with science in the military, and I honestly don’t know the quirk)
Criminal Minds (Finding killers with psychology)
Numb3rs (Finding killers with math)
Cold Case (Finding old killers)
Without a Trace (Finding missing people… before they are killed)

That’s nine whole hours of CBS’s broadcasting week, all sewn up. And if crime is not your scene, there’s plenty of room in the fields of medical dramas; sitcoms featuring dumb, fat men with smart, attractive women; shaky-cam mockumentary comedies; reality shows featuring over-reproductive families and, as The Onion exposed not so long ago, the huge success of the fledgling cake market.

Any other jobs out there that fit the bill? Let me know what you think.

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