Scientists mess with people about dinosaurs — again
Source: Wired
Renowned paleontologists have decided to once again mess with the common populace by deciding certain dinosaurs, in fact, resembled feathery Ziggy Stardust impersonators rather than the “terrible lizards” as previously stated.
The experts say they inferred the feather patterns and designs of Anchiornis huxleyi following a newly intense study of fossil structure and use of the NES game Color-A-Dinosaur.
“The monochromatic wings are a little bland, but we were concentrating more on gradients,” said Dr. Edmund Silvas, a senior paleontologist at Yale University. “We added the bitchin’ orange mohawk and the glam leg plumage to make up for it.”
According to Dr. Silvas, determining the colors and configurations of such creatures is actually easier than one may think, as they have been dead for millions of years and there’s no way anyone can argue with you.
“We get people ready to debate, of course; saying we’re just being ridiculous,” Dr. Silvas said. “When faced with such dissension, we usually ask for everyone in the room who is a world-class, peer-reviewed authority on dinosaurs to please raise their hand, and that usually shuts them up.”
Scientists’ theories of the relations between dinosaurs and birds is nothing new, Dr. Silvas said, as one can only study dusty old bones so much before growing bored and letting one’s mind wander.
“It’s traced directly back to 1992, when some paleontologists from Cambridge were distracting themselves playing Super Mario World — I admit we play video games quite a lot,” he said. At first they considered a theory that dinosaurs actually squished when stomped on and were not killed unless stomped again. However, later in the game they fed Yoshi a blue shell and bam! Wings! The rest is academic history and we’ve been trying to one-up each other on it ever since.”
Some, however, are not pleased with the latest development and say they’re fed up with scientists switching things on them every few years.
“Who do they think they are, toying with us like this?” said Steven Roberts, founder of the anti-feather site leavethemscaly.org. “Don’t they know how many of us were heartbroken in third grade when we told our classmates our favorite dinosaur was the brontosaurus and they were all like, ‘But that’s not a real dino anymore!’ and we went ‘Of course it is; the Flintstones even went to brontosaurus burger!’ and they were like ‘Nuh-uh! Scientists said so!’ and they punched us in the stomach and stole our Trapper Keeper with all the brontosaurus stickers on it and we later had to bribe a girl with a Nutter Bar to fish it out of the ladies room toilet? Apatosaurus is a stupid name…”
Not to be outdone, the International Association of Astronomers has scheduled an emergency meeting to declare Pluto “planetarily bi-curious.”
TLC head admits obsessions with little people, sweets
Miranda Hutchinson, president and CEO of TLC network, finally admitted today in a press conference how her programming choices have become almost fully dictated by her two secret obsessions in life: little people and sugar.
Critics have suspected for the past several years that Hutchinson had ulterior motives as a trend seemed to present itself on the daily schedule.
“When ‘Little People, Big World’ first aired, I don’t think anyone suspected much,” TV analyst Martin Hefner said. “But then ‘The Little Couple’ came on and people started to wonder a bit.”
Hutchinson was practically forced to admit her preoccupations after the addition of “Little Chocolatiers,” featuring the daily lives of two married little people who run a confectionery shop in Salt Lake City. (Really.) However, she added that the new show also combined the best of her other addiction.
“It’s true: I love little people and big desserts,” she said during the conference held at TLC’s main offices. She then launched into a long, almost rambling mental history, including how she used to estimate the height of department store Santa’s helpers as a child and once spent an entire day at Disney World riding the “It’s a Small World” attraction 27 times.
“It sort of all crept on me as I continued making choices at the network,” Hutchinson said. “First I put on wedding shows because they usually have cakes at the end. And then shows like ‘Jon and Kate Plus 8′ and ‘18 Kids and Counting’ were enough for a while because, even though they didn’t feature official little people, they had small children in massive enough doses that I could sometimes imagine. ‘Toddlers & Tiaras,’ the show about the Little Miss beauty contestant pageants, was even better since the parents all dress their kids like 30-year-old Avon ladies.
“After scoring ‘Ultimate Cake-Off’ and ’Cake Boss,’ I thought I had finally built an empire of shows to satiate my entertainment desires, but it just wasn’t enough! As soon as I learned there was a chocolate shop run by little people in Utah, I immediately ordered 2,000 shows! …And that’s when I finally realized I went too far.”
“Little Chocolatiers” is now slated to run until 2099, a move Hutchinson has called, “rather silly” in retrospect. She said she promises to better diversify TLC’s lineup in the future with shows big people making little cakes (“Cupcake Giants”), pushy parents who live vicariously through their children by entering them in baking contests (“EZ-Bake Lovin’”) and an as-of-yet unnamed reality show centered around Poppin’ Fresh, the Pillsbury Dough Boy.
TLC, when last checked, stands for “The Learning Channel.”
Simple Saturday: Moving On
It’s been, overall, a lackluster past 4 years in my life. I’ve worked for a newspaper that has gradually demanded more of its workers for less and less reward, and I’ve seen my last remaining “real-life” friends leave the area for higher pursuits: careers, marriage. Good stuff.
I’ve tried to escape from this area myself, but it simply hasn’t worked out. All but two of the job applications I’ve sent out in all this time have ever received a response. One was quite exciting, actually. I was flown down to Washington, D.C. on the government’s time and actually paid a stipend to be interviewed down there. We were told everyone would receive word in the mail within a couple months if we had been chosen or not. It’s now 11 months and I never heard a thing. The other response I got was a plain and polite rejection and the only other time I was treated by a company with something other than silence.
So let’s just say it’s been four years and my general goals of being less alone and having a satisfying purpose haven’t panned out that well. And I’m thinking of taking a big step, going abroad, and trying to teach English to students in Asia somewhere. I’ve always wanted to visit Japan, and this could be a way to do so while actually making savings and not going insane. Potentially.
The truth is, I don’t know. Maybe if I was someone who’s had more experiences it wouldn’t be such a strange prospect. But I’m someone who’s had every attempt to move on with his life fall apart since graduating college. I’m honestly afraid if I try this, it’s just going to fall apart again, only this time I’ll be truly alone on the other side of the world when it goes down.
Have you ever faced a choice like this? Have you ever felt backed into a corner for a long time? What do you think is the best thing to do in such a situation?
Melons
[A diminutive man with a clipboard stands outside the door of a farmhouse. He hesitantly reaches out and knocks on the door. After a few seconds of fidgeting, he stands up straight as the door opens, revealing tall, buxom lady in overalls.]
LADY: Yes?
MAN: Oh-aah, erm, terribly sorry to bother you, ma’am, but I represent the county health department and we’ve been tasked with, um… conducting a study on — this is so embarrassing… on area women’s… bosoms…
LADY: I’m sorry, I didn’t get that last bit?
MAN: Sorry. On, you know… your… b… breasts…
LADY: Sorry, you’re mumbling with that la–
MAN: Your melons, madam! (gasps) Oh, dear. Please forgive me! This just isn’t what I thought I’d be doing with the department and it feels so wrong and we have a female worker but–
LADY: Oh, my melons! Nothing wrong with asking about them. They’re huge!
MAN: But she’s sick so I have to — oh. Well, um, th-that’s not really a question, you know, but–
LADY: But why not? My husband’s just so proud of ‘em, he has me take ‘em out for people every chance he gets! You wanna gander?
MAN: NO! I — that is not necessary, madam, please!— I mean, thank you — er… (quickly stares down at the clipboard) Um… how long would you say you keep them, erm… constrained?
LADY: Constrained? Well, I do keep ‘em covered all during the day. It’s just the right thing ta do, you know.
MAN: Certainly, madam.
LADY: But they gotta breathe, too, so every night I just whip it all off and let those babies loose to the air!
MAN: O-oh…
LADY: ‘Course, it’s been getting a little colder these nights so they’re positively dripping with dew by the time I wake up.
MAN: Eh?
LADY: But I just run outside and give ‘em a big ol’ shake ‘ta dry ‘em off!
MAN: Ah!
LADY: Keeps ‘em firm. And then I wave to the neighbor! They’re always watchin’ out their kitchen window. Get a real kick outta the whole spectacle, but they’re gettin’ old so I don’t mind humorin’ them one bit.
MAN: …Heaven help me… (goes back to the clipboard) Do you ever have any complaints about their weight?
LADY: Oh, sometimes people’ll gripe that they’re too much, but I tell ‘em they’re always gonna need two hands ta lift one’a mine and that’s the way it’s always gonna be!
MAN: T-two — wait! You let them touch your–
LADY: ‘Course I do! That’s the only way ta know they’re the real deal, don’tcha know! Some people think ya gotta knock on ‘em too, but that’s just ridiculous. Where’s that gonna get ya?
MAN: I… (takes a deep breath) So even with the, um, weight… there’s no pain? No fatigue?
LADY: (laughs) Look, sir. You’re a real nice guy an’ all but I can tell you’ve never handled somethin’ like these in your life.
MAN: I—now look here, I have nothing to do with this–
LADY: Aw, nothin’ ta be ashamed about, sugar! But I’ve lugged these things around day in and day out for nearly my whole life now! They’re like nothin’ to me!
MAN: Madam! I doubt other women would agree!
LADY: Yeah, fair, fair. I know it’s different in different areas. Tend to be smaller in Europe, ‘course. An’ ya hear in Japan they’re makin’ ‘em square now?
MAN: What?? That’s absurd!
LADY: I know! Tell me about it! But here in America, as long as there’s room ta grow and God-given sunshine, there’s only one size we’ll accept ‘em here: enormous.
MAN: Madam, please! It shouldn’t matter to other women how big theirs are.
LADY: It sure as spit should! Why, I never got my man ta bat an eye at me ’til I got ‘em big as his head!
MAN: I say, this has got to–
LADY: You just send those poor, weak little city gals over here. I guarantee ya within a week I’ll have ‘em hoistin’ them high an’ proud!
MAN: That’s IT! (throws his clipboard down) No government benefits are worth this… this freakishness. I’m going right back to the commissioner and telling him I QUIT! Good day!
[As he stalks off, his face beet red, the lady's husband walks up behind her.]
HUSBAND: Who was that, now?
LADY: Don’t know. Some guy askin’ questions ’bout our watermelon patch.
HUSBAND: Huh. Strange what floats some people’s boats, I guess.
Dear Woman Riding Upon My Rear Bumper as I Travel 5 mph Over the Speed Limit:
Please accept my sincerest apologies that I was unwittingly chosen by fate this morning to play the role of retardant to the attendance of your bats out of hell reunion. I am all too painfully aware of your agitation, as I can plainly see your face in my rear view mirror as though you were occupying my backseat — a status I fear could very well be managable should I lightly tap upon my brakes.
Your patience in this unfortunate rendevouz is greatly appreciated, for while you give every sign of wanting to shatter the posted speed limit, as though it was a puppy soaked in liquid nitrogen, and tear down the road with scant regard to the weather conditions or whatever life may scamper out to the space you wish to so quickly occupy with your tires, you are conscientiously waiting for the lines on the road to change to grant legal passing. Such attention to priorities is astounding, as is your contribution to the economy by donating so much superfluous fuel consumption to the oil companies.
I see I must suspend my apologies as you have seen opportunity to depress your leaden foot and swing around this old, 60 mph tortoise, but please pay me no mind. I am sure I shall have further time to express my remorse to you, should you remain out of the ditches or clutches of the law, when I catch up with you at the next long red light or construction area. It always seems to happen and I am ever patient.
Sincerely,
Tim Latshaw
Poor Billy’s Almanack
For the Twenty-Fourth Day of January, Year of Our Lord 2010
Les yeux sans visage
WEATHER: An ongoing Dry Spell shall render early Crop Planting in Southern Climes Unfavorable, but provide ample Opportunity to bring out and Exercise one’s pent up Work Animals. So Ride Your Pony, Ride Your Pony, Ride Your Pony. Come On, Come On.
ASTROLOGY: The Rebel Yell will enter its Waning Phase Tonight, causing Her to cry Less, Less, Less over subsequent Midnight Hours. Remain mindful of upcoming License for Love Expirations to avoid unnecessary prayer for Help from Above.
PROVERB: Sinking a Drink will give One time to Think should Empty Eyes seem to pass Him by and leave Him dancing with Himself.
Today will be a Nice Day for a White Wedding. It will NOT be a Nice Day to Start Again.
Simple Saturday: Awesome Names for Serious Matters
In unfortunate news, the UK raised its terror alert level Friday, fearing more in the vein of the Christmas Day bombing attempt over Detroit.
The decision follows analysis by the Joint Terrorism Analysis Centre (JTAC), a unit within MI5, and indicates an attack is now “highly likely.”
It was made following briefings to the Prime Minister by the heads of the security services MI5, MI6 and GCHQ and a meeting of the Government’s Cobra emergency committee.
This is most definitely serious business right now, and the security of the people is paramount. But you can’t tell me that the head of Cobra, during calmer, easier times, doesn’t ask people to call him or her “commander.” I know I would.
Holy cats! Temple to Bastet found in Egypt
Alexandria, EGYPT–Adorn yourself with catnip and prepare your offerings of Meow Mix now, becuase archaeologists have recently uncovered a temple dedicated to the Ancient Egyptian feline goddess Bastet, proving once and for all that the Sahara was never anything more than a giant litter box.
Worshipped as a goddess of the sun and then a goddess of the moon, Bastet is also known for being the only deity you never had to bow down to, as she was often fond of nuzzling up against your ankles and almost making you trip.
When not reigning over Ancient Egypt, Bastet would guest star on mid-afternoon Disney cartoon series.
The goddess originally had the head of a lion but Egyptians later downgraded her to a domestic cat, probably after C. S. Lewis swiped the whole “lion” religious schtick right out from under their stubby little missing Sphinx noses. Respect for her unfortunately dropped after this change as she went from being a fierce, feared, war-honored figure to someone you could slip by as soon as a sunbeam garnered her attention.
Plans for the newly unearthed temple are yet unknown, but some are calling for a reopening of sacred facility for modern-day worship and a potential venue for the Pussycat Dolls.
Anyone approaching the temple with cheeseburgers has been ordered executed on the spot.
Simple Saturday: Heights and Depths
It was bitterly cold today, yet under a rare blue winter sky and bright sun that the weatherpeople had not predicted. I stood on top of Kinzua Dam in Northwestern Pennsylvania and, as anyone who’s ever seen or played Goldeneye knows, being on top of a dam is inherently cool in itself even if you don’t bungee off it.
I took the day off from work to attend “Caching with Eagles,” a geocaching event held to coincide with the birdwatching season at the dam. Since the water doesn’t entirely freeze over at the location during winter, bald eagles tend to congregate there for easier fishing. People fill the area with binoculars and cameras, but the eagles don’t seem to mind. They truly are majestic birds, even when they’re young and haven’t developed their white, “bald” plumage. Watching them soar above you with wide and perfect wingspans liberates something within you.
The holiday came at a perfect time, too, since not 24 hours before I was crammed in a newsvan with a TV reporter, cameraman, radio journalist and a freelancer, trying to stay warm while police and the district attorney talked with a man accused of murdering an elderly woman.
There was no shred of rivalry between any of us in there. We were all cold from standing outside waiting and, really, no one wants to cover a murder. Especially not one like this. You pass the time by talking shop and making jokes about other matters, but you know that eventually you’ll have to create a story about how a 37-year-old man likely stabbed and beat a woman in her 80s to death; how her body was found in her apartment building earlier that day but she could’ve been lying there for up to two; how no one’s going to know why this happened until police complete their investigation, but you can fear the worst based on how other tenants said he treated women.
We interviewed the DA when he was ready, then went up a couple floors to the courtroom to wait for the arraignment. He didn’t know we would all be there, lenses pointed squarely at him as police brought him off the elevator.
“Aw, geez,” he said, and tried to bring his shackled hands up to cover himself. It was the second time in my life I’ve had the opportunity to take close-up photos of an accused murderer. I guess that means I owe myself another eagle-watching trip.
My thoughts would occasionally drift back to that old woman while on the dam. She used to be a nurse, I found out last night through the news archives, and she had already faced tragedy years ago when her 15-year-old daughter was hit by a truck. She didn’t deserve to die the way she did. I wonder if she’s now somewhere filled with the majesty hinted at by eagles in flight; the majesty we as humans will never come close to, no matter how hard we try.